Six months ago (July, 2012) I was 25 lbs heavier than I am today. I also didn't have a proper job, and I was still living at home with no real ambition. I spent most of my days last summer either in bed surfing the web, or making a measly $60 a day taking care of two kids that hated me. At night, when the hot Okanagan sun slid behind the mountains, I would get into my car and eat. Sometimes I would stop at Tim Horton's and get a bagel, just so I would have something to be chewing on while I drove to a fast food place. One day I literally just went shopping for junk food. A jug of Sunny D, frozen pizza, chocolate... those kinds of things. I got so very lonely sometimes, that the cycle of binge eating followed by intense guilt sufficed as a form of entertainment. I ballooned, last year, to my highest weight ever of 245 lbs. I was successfully the size of two average 18-year-old girls, and only half of one self-esteem wise.
I imagine that my brother's wedding in August, 2012 was a turning point in my weight-story. His now wife had chosen me to be her maid of honour and as honoured as I was, the fat kid within me wanted only to be part of the audience, not the show. The last time I had been dress shopping was for graduation last year, a whopping 40 lbs lighter then. Maid of Honour dress shopping had proven to be a worse experience. I remember standing in the dressing room at The Bay. I didn't have my Spanks on and a bulge was literally seen every where you could look. "I don't know, Mom." I called to my mother who waited outside the stall. "I look fat in everything." And of course, I really did. There's no disillusionment when you weigh twice the size of the average person your age. It's real life fatness. I did end up finding a rather snug-fitting dress that worked. I felt a little pretty in it at the time, but looking back at pictures from the wedding day, I nearly cringe.
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| My brother's wedding, August 11th, 2012 (Approx. 240 lbs) |
After the wedding, my life started moving a little quicker than in the previous months. My dad was staying with us and so my diet remained close to that of a normal person's. No late night binges, no third helpings, just regular-people habits. That seems to happen the more I'm around regular people. After a few weeks of that, followed by moving cities along with my brother and his new wife, I had lost about 10 lbs.
The first 10 lbs is always the easiest. I've lost the first 10 lbs so many times, that I almost don't really count it now. It was when I hit 20 lbs lost back in November 2012 that I really congratulated myself. The funny thing about achieving weight loss, especially if your weight has had a heavy impact on your confidence; the more you lose, the prouder you become, and the prouder you are of yourself, the more you see yourself being able to do. The bigger your dreams become, the less you sit along the sidelines, the more you actually live. And finally, the more you actually live, the less impact your physical body has on your confidence.
So, essentially, that's my goal here; I would like to get to a point where I'm "out there" doing things that I wouldn't necessarily do on this date, today. I want to create a cycle or doing good > feeling good > doing good > feeling good, etc. How? Well certainly not by counting calories. And definitely not by workout DVD's, because those things all bore me. I don't really even know how I'm going to lose the weight, but I've got faith that I'll make good decisions without having to premeditate too much.
So here we are. Welcome to my blog "Keen to be Lean in 2013." After years of being ashamed to mention my weight to the people around me, I'm just going to let it all out from here on through. I'm trying to take the shame away, and just work this out on a foundation of personal acceptance. I hope you won't judge me for that.
Okay, good night.
-A.
P.S. Regarding the title, yes I bought a cheesecake today but I'm not going to eat it all at once (I've just decided.)
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